Silence is Golden!

   I so do not want these blogs to all seem like a nightly bitchfest, but here we have another evening of something that has bothered me for a while and has come to a head today. Luckily I didn’t show my anger about it (baby steps), but it has eaten me alive all day. I have come to the realization that silence REALLY is Golden.

I will be the first person to tell you that I am a talker. I wake up singing, I sing when I am working, I talk to almost everyone I encounter. I have always thought, that it was a good quality in a person. Time is telling my otherwise. I am currently 35, and have acquired enough family medical history to know that 35 is probably WAY past middle aged for me. I was thinking on this today, and stewing on various things, and realized that for half of my life I have talked and no one really listens to me.

 Recognition of this was first noticed when my mother would ask the same questions over and over again..I thought it was simply her aging mind and left it at that. I also noticed that my twins did it as well, I chalked it up to WELL, TWINS!!  However, I started getting griped at over not telling people something, or forgetting an  item from the store, or even being confronted with “You didn’t tell me that!” So I started paying close attention to the things I said to others, and started making list and reminders, and little notes assuring myself that I haven’t lost my mind. I started noticing stories that I had told were being told back to me with an “I don’t remember who told me this” at the beginning.  Questions about information that I had relayed earlier were raised daily, and in every aspect of my life. It took three months of monitoring my communication to reveille that absolutely no one around me listens to a word I say.

I’m in tears, tears over the impact of it all.  Why in the hell do I even speak to anyone. I try my best to keep 4  people informed, on schedule, and up-to-date with things that are going on in their own lives…Not even that of my own, and the reception of it is wasted, useless, unwanted, and whatever other words can describe the way I feel right now. For months, hell maybe ever years, I worried about my frame of mind, and after I finally get my shit together and actually look for the answer, I am slapped in the face with the FACT that my family, my friends, my church family and half the waitresses in Madison County don’t hear a third of what I say. “I said gravy on the side!” should be my pitiful motto. Sounds pretty farfetched….I KNOW, that’s why it hurts so much…

As of today I have made a decision in my life….I think I have talked enough in the first half of it to make the second half a little quieter. I am going to speak less, and see where the chips fall. Not to say that this will go unnoticed, it won’t, and I will make no response or excuse about it…I’m just resting voice and my mind.

Let’s hope tomorrow’s blog is a happier one.