I haven’t written in a while, the list of excuses is
endless. No time, too tired, too stressed, but this is everyday life for me. I
do think about writing, a lot! I have hundreds of subjects that run through my
head all day, every day. However, my lack of experience and concentration always
interferes with being able to actually sit and put my feelings and thoughts
into words. Constructive thoughts, that is. My mind hasn’t been satisfactory in
years, and lately it seems to be swirling like a blinder. It’s as if I’m
standing in a room and a million things are being felt, heard, and seen all at
once. I am still but it is all swirling around me. Words from others, sounds
from the television, the heater running, dogs barking outside, even the washer
machine drives me up the wall. I crave solace and peace in knowing that I am
not on the verge of a nervous break down. Sleep seems to be my only escape, and
even that is interrupted by awakening to every bump in the night. What really
is bothering me is my tolerance for other people seems to have completely disappeared.
Even my own children make me want to run away and hide until they are grown. It’s
not that I don’t love them, I just can’t take the chaos of them. They ask the
same questions over and over again, and demand the most mundane shit from me.
The fighting and bickering is normal in children, but I am so past these frivolous
things as that it makes me sick to listen to it. I’m running them all over the county for
athletics, school, church events on top of keeping them fed and bathed, but it’s
never enough. Not that I expect appreciation from my children for doing what I am
supposed to do, I just wish I could be more understanding of their feelings. And
therein lies the problem…I have always cared so much for everyone else’s
feelings…since I was a child, and now, NOTHING!! Church members, nothing.
Sisters, nothing. Mom, nothing. God, nothing. I only seem to be thinking of myself….I am not
comfortable with being that type of person and have no idea how to stop this
growing selfishness. Ha, even that in itself seems pathetic and mundane to me… I am in agony wondering what
the hell is happening to me.
