You Don’t Always Get What You Want, But You Get What You Need.

Harper’s 3^rd birthday is coming up this Thursday. I cannot believe it has been three years!! I am going to write about something that is very hard for me to admit, but as I said before my feelings are a result of MY life. Of all the sad days that I could reflect on Harper’s birthday is the ONE that gets me. Every year as hard as I try I am sad for her father who is missing another birthday. Christmas, his birthday, his D Day, wedding anniversary, and father’s day…none of these days get to me. Harper’s birthday is the day I morn her father the most. For those of you who may stumble across this blog and not know me, my husband was killed in a car accident on September 13^th 2008. I was 5 months pregnant with his first child.

I do not remember much about the rest of my pregnancy with her after that, only that I was under an enormous amount of pressure to get her here healthy (my own accord). I remember the day I was scheduled to have her. All of the family came to the hospital to see her. I, however, was not ready. I already knew from the ultrasound that she had his nose, and wondered what else she would have of his….I was just now getting used to him NOT walking through the door, sleeping beside me, and calling me every five minutes to tell me he loved me. I didn't want to have her without him, raise her without him. How in the world was I going to be able to look this child with her father’s face and be happy?!?!

At 1:23 p.m. on January 26^th 2009 Harper Eleece Wilhelm Richie was born. She didn’t cry, she simply entered this world silent and calm. Upon seeing her for the first time I had a panic attack on the table and had to be administered oxygen to calm me down. She looked exactly like her father…same eyes, same nose, same widow peaked brown curly hair….I WAS IN SHOCK!!!! It was almost unbearable to look at my child. I loved her from the moment we heard her little heartbeat, but the circumstances preceding her birth made that day almost as hard as the day I buried her daddy….Im not going to lie…I HATED THAT DAY!!! Three years later I wish I could say that I have overcome that feeling but I haven’t. It is approaching and I am growing anxious as I have for the past three birthdays.

Now to the title of the blog…

 Harper is our saving grace. Although raising her without Steven is not what I wanted, having Steven Richie’s daughter is what I needed!!! Where would we all be right now without her? God gave me a piece of Steven to have until the day I die. She is the glue that has held me together for the past three years. She is the best of him…kind, funny, compassionate, helpful and just like her father she can stop me with a little gleam in her eye and a grin…WHAT A BLESSING, WHAT A GIFT, WHAT A TREASURE, I ADORE HER. She is my little piece of Steven that God has entrusted me with, and for that I am eternally grateful to Him. I can handle one day a year of sadness compared to the other 364 of joy that she brings me!!!

"Naked I came from my mother's womb, and naked I will depart. The LORD gave and the LORD has taken away; may the name of the LORD be praised." Job 1:21

“If You Want Something Done Right You Have Got To Do It Yourself!”

Today I have been tested with tolerance and thought that I should blog on that but it is too fresh in my mind to put down on paper so I decided on reflecting on a saying from my father.

“If You Want Something Done Right You Have Got To Do It Yourself!”

 I remember him saying this to me as a child for a reason that I cannot recollect. I have it locked in my mind. He was wearing his work clothes and just walked in the door. He wasn’t angry about anything; he just said it to me. I remember thinking “Ok, I’m 8 and what if I needed something done that I couldn’t physically do?!?!”

Years later I was sitting on my porch stewing over the day’s events that ended in cussing my boyfriend because he didn’t do something correctly, something that I asked him to do. Completing task incorrectly was a regular occurrence that tempted me to cuss him; however, it only happened twice in our nine year relationship. See, I am not a fighter; I refuse to argue with someone!!! I find that arguing is the biggest waste of time in the world!!  It gets me nowhere, and my opponent usually ends of leaving with their feelings hurt and their mind blown as to how such a little girl can create such a loud voice. The only true people who can competitively argue with me are my sisters. When this happens it is like pit bulls that end up locking their jaws down on each other’s throats until one finally dies….We have an unspoken pact that for the safety of all three sisters we will  not verbally argue with each other.

ANYWAY, I am rambling!!! Back to the cussin, and the meaning of the blog…..I was sitting on the porch stewing when it hit me “If You Want Something Done Right You Have Got To Do It Yourself!” I never should have asked him to do a task if I expected it to be done my standards; I should have just done it myself. If I would have done it myself it would have been done “right”, If I would have done it myself I would have not been sitting on the porch with chest pains from anxiety, if I would have done it myself I would not have lost my temper and cussed that man like a sailor!! 

From then on I did things myself. I have found years later that doing things on my own has rewarded me in many ways, and prepared me for my fated future. I expect nothing from others, and in return when others do things for me it is more appreciated. I do not expect people to help me, why should they? I am mentally and physically capable of doing almost anything, and in doing it myself I get a sense of accomplishment and pride. However, the generosity of people who help me when not expected bring out a happiness in me rather that an anger that I would have if help was expected and not received or not done to my standards (I hope that make sense, it does in my head anyway).

Seeing how God has so much confidence in me and has blessed me with being a single mother I have applied that saying to raising my children as well.  Being a single mom is a lot of pressure!!! Everything they do is a reflection of my parenting…unless they end up in jail and that is all from their fathers..lol. Don’t think that I won’t use the inherited gene excuse if I have too!! However, under the circumstances I am using my father’s saying to make sure that my parenting job is done right…so I am happily doing it myself. I expect nothing from H2’s father only to be more appreciative when he does do something toward them….After 8 months of no child support I received 25 bucks!!! I WAS THRILLED!!!! Should I expect child support? Yes, do I expect it? No!! Once again I am thankful instead of hateful!!!

As I get older I am learning the reason my father never sat down, the reason he never watched tv, or read a book. I am also beginning to understand why he never complained about anything…he was too busy doing it himself!!!

All About E

 I have decided to start a blog in hopes of getting all of my thoughts a feelings out of my head at night in order to get to sleep, and also to try to make some sense of the many things that junk up my mind. This is hopefully a way to help organize my thoughts and feelings to one day write a (hopefully inspirational) book depicting my life. DO NOT expect proper grammar, or a full understanding of my way of thinking for I at times do not understand it myself.

I am a 33 year old widowed mother of three girls, 12 year old twins and a 2 year old. Being a mother (I felt) was the sole purpose of my life. I strive every day to do my best under my circumstances to raise them to be proper and God fearing!! I am also a daughter to a father that died three years to the day that I buried my husband (5 months ago), and to a mother who is ill.

I am VERY active in my church (church bulletin, teacher, and assistant church clerk). I thirst for Gods knowledge, I love to worship, praise, and please him. He has been my rock for the past four years. I love my Lord and Savior and accept that whether I like it or not His will be done.

I have a very wicked sense of humor, so wicked that I can picture God sometimes shaking his head at me, but I lean on my humor to get me through the rough unbearable times.

My life for the past four years had been both blessed and hellashish (hellashish must be Texas slang because Word is not accepting it). However, they have transformed me into the person I am today and for that I guess I am grateful.

Future blogs will review what past experiences that have taught me lessons. But who knows what tomorrow will bring, this may end up being a weekly, monthly, or even a quarterly thing…lol

So for those who read don’t judge me for what I write or how I feel. My thoughts and feelings are that of my own and are composed from MY life that God has given me!!!

Hope to blog to you soon!!!

Erin