Selfish Me

I haven’t written in a while, the list of excuses is endless. No time, too tired, too stressed, but this is everyday life for me. I do think about writing, a lot! I have hundreds of subjects that run through my head all day, every day. However, my lack of experience and concentration always interferes with being able to actually sit and put my feelings and thoughts into words. Constructive thoughts, that is. My mind hasn’t been satisfactory in years, and lately it seems to be swirling like a blinder. It’s as if I’m standing in a room and a million things are being felt, heard, and seen all at once. I am still but it is all swirling around me. Words from others, sounds from the television, the heater running, dogs barking outside, even the washer machine drives me up the wall. I crave solace and peace in knowing that I am not on the verge of a nervous break down. Sleep seems to be my only escape, and even that is interrupted by awakening to every bump in the night. What really is bothering me is my tolerance for other people seems to have completely disappeared. Even my own children make me want to run away and hide until they are grown. It’s not that I don’t love them, I just can’t take the chaos of them. They ask the same questions over and over again, and demand the most mundane shit from me. The fighting and bickering is normal in children, but I am so past these frivolous things as that it makes me sick to listen to it.  I’m running them all over the county for athletics, school, church events on top of keeping them fed and bathed, but it’s never enough. Not that I expect appreciation from my children for doing what I am supposed to do, I just wish I could be more understanding of their feelings. And therein lies the problem…I have always cared so much for everyone else’s feelings…since I was a child, and now, NOTHING!! Church members, nothing. Sisters, nothing. Mom, nothing. God, nothing.  I only seem to be thinking of myself….I am not comfortable with being that type of person and have no idea how to stop this growing selfishness. Ha, even that in itself seems pathetic and mundane to me… I am in agony wondering what the hell is happening to me.

Birthday Blues

Well, I have been nudged to write. I haven’t been writing due to sadness. It’s all around me, children who are facing horrible diseases, people living in heartbreak and misery, wives facing the loss of their husbands…It is almost unbearable for me. I take peoples pain pretty hard. I really would give anything for everyone around me to be healthy, happy and content. I do this because I know that I will probably never be any of the three ever again. 
  Harper's approaching birthday has also struck sadness in my life. This time of year reminds me of the agony that I was in during my pregnancy with her, and the reality of her birth. The following is an excerpt from a blog I wrote two years ago: 1/22/12 “Of all the sad days that I could reflect on, Harper’s birthday is the ONE that gets me. Every year as hard as I try I am sad for her father who is missing another birthday. I do not remember much about the rest of my pregnancy with her after Steven died, only that I was under an enormous amount of pressure to get her here healthy (my own accord). I remember the day I was scheduled to have her. All of the family came to the hospital to see her. I, however, was not ready. I already knew from the ultrasound that she had his nose, and wondered what else she would have of his….I was just now getting used to him NOT walking through the door, sleeping beside me, and calling me every five minutes to tell me he loved me. I didn't want to have her without him, raise her without him. How in the world was I going to be able to look this child with her father’s face and be happy?!?!
At 1:23 p.m. on January 26^th 2009 Harper Eleece Wilhelm Richie was born. She didn’t cry, she simply entered this world silent and calm. Upon seeing her for the first time I had a panic attack on the surgical table and had to be administered oxygen to calm me down. She looked exactly like her father…same eyes, same nose, same widow peaked brown curly hair….I WAS IN SHOCK!!!! It was almost unbearable to look at my child. I loved her from the moment we heard her little heartbeat, but the circumstances preceding her birth made that day almost as hard as the day I buried her daddy….I’m not going to lie…I HATED THAT DAY!!! Three years later I wish I could say that I have overcome that feeling but I haven’t. It is approaching and I am growing anxious as I have for the past three birthdays.”
To elaborate on that would take longer than an hour, but I always try to find a positive in any situation. So here is my plan for this week, I have been looking back on memoirs and hope to reflect positively on my growth over the past five years. Bear with me, it shouldn’t be an easy task, but one that I feel is necessary.

And Then I Had Teenagers

I didn’t blog last night…three days and I have already broke my resolution…funny! I have had a lot going on the past two days, well, the last 14 years. MY TWINS!!! I remember when they were little, and I was so clueless as to the amount of work that was involved in caring for twins. They were my first children, so I really didn’t know any better. I changed one diaper, then another. Fed one baby, and then another….up until a couple of years ago I thought I was doing pretty well, considering I am the only one raising them. ENTER THE TEEN YEARS…All they do is fight, watch tv, sleep, fight, ask me to buy them everything under the sun, fight and sleep. Did I mention that they FIGHT!! ALL DAY, it argument after argument, snide remarks, yelling and sometimes even hitting (Big no no in my book, always has been.) Please, don’t get me wrong I love my twins, but I am having a hard time getting them to get along with each other and with their younger sibling.) I seriously cannot believe that my children act this way…it’s disappointing.

After googling everything under the sun, I now know that this behavior is normal in most teens. I also know that having two of them at the same time magnifies a parent’s anxiety during the teen years.

 I noticed a pattern in the responses toward sibling rivalry…ATTENTION! Everything points toward making sure that the children who are fighting get more attention from their “parents.” Here is the problem…there are three children and only one of me. Furthermore, two of these children are facing the same phases in life and are unable to get the correct amount of attention from their only parent. I have come to the realization that no amount of attention in this world from me is ever going to equal the amount of attention they would get from two parents. It’s impossible, I’m only one person and there are three of them… No way, no how!

The solution (for me) is going to have stricter rules, a firmer hand, and a lot less yelling. I have to be both the good and the bad cop….it shan’t be easy, but it’s the hand I have been dealt and I have to learn grow with it. And in a way this will help me with my authority skills, so it’s a win/win. Raising twins is a whole different process than raising singles. I’m still learning, and doubt that this lesson will ever conclude. Hopefully, this means that the baby will be a piece of cake when she is 14, that’s what keeps me going anyways.

“Spare the rod and spoil the child”