Birthday Blues

Well, I have been nudged to write. I haven’t been writing due to sadness. It’s all around me, children who are facing horrible diseases, people living in heartbreak and misery, wives facing the loss of their husbands…It is almost unbearable for me. I take peoples pain pretty hard. I really would give anything for everyone around me to be healthy, happy and content. I do this because I know that I will probably never be any of the three ever again. 
  Harper's approaching birthday has also struck sadness in my life. This time of year reminds me of the agony that I was in during my pregnancy with her, and the reality of her birth. The following is an excerpt from a blog I wrote two years ago: 1/22/12 “Of all the sad days that I could reflect on, Harper’s birthday is the ONE that gets me. Every year as hard as I try I am sad for her father who is missing another birthday. I do not remember much about the rest of my pregnancy with her after Steven died, only that I was under an enormous amount of pressure to get her here healthy (my own accord). I remember the day I was scheduled to have her. All of the family came to the hospital to see her. I, however, was not ready. I already knew from the ultrasound that she had his nose, and wondered what else she would have of his….I was just now getting used to him NOT walking through the door, sleeping beside me, and calling me every five minutes to tell me he loved me. I didn't want to have her without him, raise her without him. How in the world was I going to be able to look this child with her father’s face and be happy?!?!
At 1:23 p.m. on January 26^th 2009 Harper Eleece Wilhelm Richie was born. She didn’t cry, she simply entered this world silent and calm. Upon seeing her for the first time I had a panic attack on the surgical table and had to be administered oxygen to calm me down. She looked exactly like her father…same eyes, same nose, same widow peaked brown curly hair….I WAS IN SHOCK!!!! It was almost unbearable to look at my child. I loved her from the moment we heard her little heartbeat, but the circumstances preceding her birth made that day almost as hard as the day I buried her daddy….I’m not going to lie…I HATED THAT DAY!!! Three years later I wish I could say that I have overcome that feeling but I haven’t. It is approaching and I am growing anxious as I have for the past three birthdays.”
To elaborate on that would take longer than an hour, but I always try to find a positive in any situation. So here is my plan for this week, I have been looking back on memoirs and hope to reflect positively on my growth over the past five years. Bear with me, it shouldn’t be an easy task, but one that I feel is necessary.