As much as I would like to think of myself as a pretty versatile
person there is one thing in life that I have always avoided. Today I found out
that this one thing is unavoidable in any role I play…conflict.
I am sitting in pain, pain in my back, pain in my arms, and
pain in my neck. I had to cut firewood today…seems like a normal chore, and It
would be a normal chore if I was a little more in shape and actually built to
do something as masculine as chopping firewood…but I am not! I assume that my
anger at the time, that I attempted to release with every swing of the ax, didn’t
help much, but the job got done and I shall heal soon enough. My anger was
geared toward a man, a man who I had in fact paid to deliver firewood 3 weeks
ago. A man who knows how important it is that there is wood for my mother’s
warmth. A man who was about to see me in rare form…We were going to have a
conflict!!!
I will spare this blog of the details of the confrontation,
but will say that one usually does not know how to react to me when angered.
You see, I am huge fan of kindness, I love to show it more than anything else
in this world. I am not saying that kindness comes easy for me, no, kindness is
something I have to muster up every day toward everyone I know.
I was raised by parents who never said a kind word to each
other and one in particular was a VERY negative person. There was never any
praise for anything we ever did, but if there was ANYTHING negative to say
about any one of us it was going to be said, over, and over, and over again.
I grew up with that same trait and fortunately noticed it in
my early adult years. I made a promise to myself to praise, complement, and
lift up everyone around me. I was never going to have negative things to say
toward anyone (I am still working on it, don’t judge). So now I am known as a girl a woman , no a lady who is
always happy and always has kind words to say, and for the most part that is true.
However, I am also the person who allowed herself to be screwed over every
chance there is a chance of conflict. Well, after today of physically hurting myself,
possibly threatening the quality of care I give to my children and my mother,
I'M DONE!!!
Once again my pain (physical this time) has caused a realization…If
I am going to continue to try to embrace being single and head up two households
conflict is going to happen, and happen often. From now on I need to let go of kindness
toward every aspect of my life and take care of business. One can’t not take
care of business without being authoritative, and with that comes having to be
a bitch. In all honesty, I LIKE being a bitch; it’s bred into me!!!
With that being said my hour is up and I need to hunt down
something better than a barstool to sit on in my nook. Leaving this on a
positive note….I got a cord and a half of firewood delivered today and he took
my chainsaw. He will be repairing it because of my pain and suffering!!!
“Sometimes being a bitch is all a woman's got to hold
on to.” ~ Stephen King~ Dolores Claiborne
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